Sunday, May 6, 2012
This post is close to my heart, because learning to know someone takes time and effort and discernment.
( Oh Lord God, please give discernment to those who read this, to help them see people as they are, not as they hope. )
You may feel you know a person after a few meetings, but in reality, you know their 'structure'/frame and what they choose to let you see.
After a while you may feel you love them, because you have seen them in this same setting and liked the way they lived their life and they made you feel special.
Discernment comes at this time of 'them making you feel special', or just as you get to know each other. It comes by watching them, seeing them in other situations - outside their comfort zone.
( ask yourself HONESTLY: "Am I lonely, and they are filling a void", or "are they respecting me, and my feelings?" )
We all can get used to a place, a job, an environment and then become comfortable and predictable. Now if you really want to know them, watch them with children, with stress, under pressure. THIS is when their true colors show.
I am not saying, ' if they aren't perfectly well mannered, then leave them to someone else '. No, I am saying watch for 'Signs/ Red Flags/ Discernment'.
Just like in a building structure, you want to know that the building is stressed, so you know if there is a 'hairline' crack with no problems attached, or if its a structural support crack.
If you don't know how to tell, let me give a few clues. Like I said, knowing someone is watching, discernment and grace. ( that's not judging, it's wisdom from God ), if they 'accuse' you of judging them, this is ANOTHER clue, they are not going to change negative behavior.
A few clues: If anger/frustration is heated to a 'high point' for a small thing, like spilled soda, flat tire, things not done 'their way', jealousy, or if you are late and they are 'disjointed' -- any life stress.
At work or school: they get angry/frustrated when their things are used and not put back 'just right'', or when they are caught shoplifting from work (I hope that you would want an Honest partner ), they get angry when they are wrong- but can't shift the blame for problem, they get angry or pout when they don't get credit for minor things - like picking up trash in a classroom/ or rerouting mail in the office. These people do not grow up in this are of their life, unless they wholly surrender their lives to God. ( not normally, because Control is the way they feel 'safe' ).
The problem stems from a lack of love, so they get angry when they don't feel loved or appreciated. YET, they are in such a world of high expectations for themselves, they pass on the 'judgement' to others - that THEY feel.
I am not saying: be perfect - or you are a louse/ flake. I am saying be REAL. Ask forgiveness, if you hurt someone, make it right if you wrong someone, take major responsibility for your words, actions and attitudes. If you have to tell them, ' you never say your sorry, or ask for forgiveness', and their reply is something like, ' just tell me what I did '. They WON'T get it. This is something called 'common sense'.
Abuse is another subject, but THIS post is pre-abuse, or pre-ventive relationship mentoring.
If you are the person, or you know the person who is constantly saying; ' I didn't do it', or 'you heard me wrong, I didn't say that', ' YOU should do better ', ' you are crazy ', ' I don't know how to do that, I CAN'T ', ' well, if you hadn't done.........I wouldn't be mad'. This is another clue, some people can't take responsibility for their actions, and blame you or 'life'.
For some this is a coping mechanism - still hurtful, for others its a lifestyle of NOT coping with stress.
So, if you fall in love at ''camp''or college or high school..., beware of 'posers, fakers, con men/women, seducers, users, manipulators, power lovers, bullies, whiners, intimidation. The list goes on, but this is a good start.
I know, I have been a victim of this, and because I didn't respect myself, I got 'caught' in their web.
control is our part, and God doing the changes.
I think knowing someone, takes in to account: what they say, and how well their actions support those words.
Guard your heart, God want's your BEST, He will heal you from pain, harm and fools.
Psalms 91. , Prov. 18:10.
If you find LATER, you thought you knew someone, and they were faking, cut it off. Cut the thread, chain, or grip. The sooner you do, the less you will have to recover from.
Control is a form of 'witchcraft', and I know you don't want to be involved with THAT. Mind control is a serious thing, and it takes some strength to leave it. God bless you and strengthen you as you see what is happening. God will be your ever present help in time of need.
So to recap:
Be careful that the cover of a person doesn't fool you, actions can be deceiving, so walk with Jesus so He can show you the way.
Actions can be: Truthful, deceptive, hurtful, controlling, selfish. Watch and pray. Do not be let astray.
If you are lonely, 'take care' of that first. A hurtful person, will promise to 'protect you', then if you do not respect yourself you get caught in their ' hurtful web'.